Your life manifesto
AGE DEFIANCE: MIND
When things in life get tough it can often help to take time to stop, reassess and clarify the situation. By adopting a positive and optimistic approach we can harness a strong sense of self-belief, which helps us to build the inner strength that we all need.
Anyone who lets the surprising nature of life work for them rather than against them is on to a winner. The capacity to make the most of life lies entirely in our attitude. If we are upbeat and expect the best, we are inclined to attract positive opportunities.
Different stages of life bring different challenges, possibilities and interests. Our preoccupations might change as we grow older but some of the underlying issues remain the same. We all need to watch that we don’t slip into negativity and cynicism when change comes along. Here, I hope to highlight both the perennial and specific life challenges that you might face each decade, and give some pointers as to how to deal with them. Fast Track to Happiness by Lynda Field, £8.99, Vermilion Age.
Age 16-25
Key issues This is an intense period of great transition. There is inevitable peer pressure to contend with, alongside the struggle to gain your independence and break away from the family (emotionally, physically and, eventually, financially). Many young people experience a crisis of body confidence as they undergo an onslaught of powerful hormones and may face greasy skin (most common in boys) and weight gain (commonly in girls), just at a time when they desire to be attractive to the opposite sex.
Challenges How to: Maintain your self-esteem and the confidence to act independently. Bounce back and not be floored by the many mistakes that you will make along the way.
What to do: Keep the lines of communication open with your parents. This will help you to establish a solid base to launch from. Take a part-time job while still in full-time education and familiarise yourself with the adult world. Try work experience in any area that interests you. Don’t compare yourself with others; this habit only leads to low self-esteem. Just remind yourself that you are a one-off with your own unique qualities. Play team games, this will maintain your endorphin (happiness) levels and help you to build body confidence and good relationships.
Age 26-35
Key issues This is a more stabilising time, with your focus on career development, relationships and possibly marriage. There may be dilemmas concerning who and what to commit to (mortgage, person, profession) and also of course the financial strains involved in settling down. There might also be a sense of loss of youth and personal freedom and this can affect your decision-making powers.
Challenges How to: Trust your own judgment. Make plans without losing your natural capacity for creativity.
What to do: Set down your goals on paper and if they don’t excite you then delete them. Break down long-term goals into smaller steps so that they are more manageable. Make good relationship choices. Be aware of what you are looking for in an intimate relationship and don’t sell yourself short. A good partnership depends upon shared goals. Have fun and keep things fresh by trying something new: snow-boarding, scuba diving, salsa . . .
Age 36-45
Key issues You are likely to be busy spinning the plates of home, work, children, partner, friends, relaxation time, etc. For women this issue might be even more significant with a growing feeling of “what about me?” The burdens of responsibility can add strains to the marriage and most women will become aware of the approach of the menopause. This period is stretching but also rewarding as you see the fruits of your labour emerge. Your family and friendships will bring increasing depth and meaning to your life.
Challenges How to: Manage children/career/community issues and still have time for leisure activities. Keep the spark in your relationship when so much of the time your home life can feel like hard work. Deal with the emotions that come with parenting – love/guilt/responsibility/anxiety.
What to do: Make time work for you by learning how to manage it well. Be utterly realistic about how long tasks will take, get your “to do” lists together and delegate. Schedule relaxation times into your “to do” lists. Give these top priority and build the rest of each day around them. Drop the guilt! This tip is specifically for women. Know that family life brings up a ragbag of emotions and accept this. Keep talking to your partner and share your feelings. Discuss domestic issues and come to joint decisions.
Age 46-55
Key issues A time of transition and change at every level – physically, emotionally and practically. This period requires you to let go of many things that have been important to you. The empty nest takes some getting used to and partners usually experience a change in their relationship when the last child leaves home. And then there’s a growing responsibility for elderly parents. Plus, of course, the menopause for women and a mid-life crisis for men! Relax, you have all the strength you will need to deal with everything.
Challenges How to: Let go of your children yet still be supportive. Deal with loss of family life in your home without feeling redundant. Be there for elderly parents without taking over control of their lives. Face the physical changes of the middle years and accept your age gracefully.
What to do: Adopt a regular fitness regime that you enjoy. It could mean going on regular walks, or you might take up yoga or golf or ballroom dancing. Accept that your changing relationship with your children and your parents will take time to assimilate. Do some voluntary work. When we give our time to others we feel happier and more fulfilled. Fight any feelings of increasing invisibility and lack of confidence by reinventing yourself. Overhaul your wardrobe, adopt a new hairstyle, take regular massages and keep your sex life alive.
Age 56-65
Key issues A phase of profound change, this stage seems to give and take in equal measure. On the one hand you will experience much more free time and on the other you might be grappling with concerns associated with giving up work. Issues such as loss of status and changing self-identity might need addressing. Certainly you will be living life at a new tempo and this could take some getting used to. You are now probably the oldest in the family clan and this brings new and different feelings of responsibility.
Health permitting, this can be a marvellous period to have fun with your grandchildren and to enjoy doing all of those things that you have never been able to find the time for.
Challenges How to: Make a smooth transition from career to retirement. Keep physically and mentally fit. Accept your changing role in society and choose to adopt a positive and enthusiastic approach to the future.
What to do: Prepare for the day you leave work. Try your hand at some new hobbies and you can look forward to developing them when you have more time – pottery, local history, tracing ancestors (you can even go on genealogy holidays) . . . There are so many exciting new projects for you to discover. Keep your mind buzzing and alert. Learn a new language or a musical instrument (great for engaging both sides of the brain), do challenging cross-words or try Su Doku. Treat yourself to a Nintendo DS (very up to the minute) and play the Brain Age game, a fabulous tool to keep you mentally young. Stay up to date with modern technology. This will keep you informed and able to help your grandchildren with their homework. You are both as young as you feel and as young as you act. Keep exercising.
Age 65+
Key issues This is the time to call on all the understanding and knowledge that you have gathered throughout the years. You have faced so much and have learnt how to overcome setbacks and cope with losses, but you also know how to celebrate the beauty of life.
Increasing age brings the ability to become more accepting of self and of others and to develop the wonderful capacity for forgiveness. Naturally you will be contemplating the fact of death and this can lead to an enlightening sense of the bigger picture and a maturing of spiritual awareness. As we look back on life it becomes possible to see how each separate stage leads inevitably to the next and how, in the end, we can only realise our unique and amazing potential by living with awareness and learning from every single one of our experiences.
Challenges How to: Face uncertainty with grace. Leave a positive legacy. Share your many gifts with others. Accept the ageing process.
What to do: Reflect on the changing nature of your thoughts, feelings and behav-iour. What attitudes and approach-es bring light and understanding to you and those around you? Use your wisdom and be glad for all that you can offer to others. If you haven’t joined the U3A (University of the Third Age) then check what your local group is doing. This great organisation can open so many new doors as well as introduce you to new friends. Alternatively, join a library, if you haven’t already done so. Learn to relax and enjoy the moment, there is so much to appreciate, as you know. Keep up with your friendships; these are as valuable as gold dust.
You Are Always Happy!
When you ask someone, ‘What is the purpose of life?’, most people, after much umming and ahhing, say something like, ‘to be happy’. We all have the desire to be happy. ‘Happy’ is some conglomeration of feeling good – light, free, strong, flowing – and not feeling bad – nothing to worry about, no fears and concerns. This is what drives us. If you observe yourself for a day you’ll see that in every situation we move away from situations where we don’t feel good and towards that which we think will have us feel good. Right?
But what if the place we are looking for happiness is the wrong place?
Our main thought, even if we are not aware of it, is that happiness is out there and over there. A misconception that things ‘out there’ MAKE us happy and so, GIVE us happiness. If I can just get the world to look the way I want, if this happens, if I have that, if I am doing this… then I will be happy… in the future. And if we get there, we’ll GET it. So, we plan and do things that will hopefully result in us being happy with our lot in life. And this is our continual struggle and why life can sometimes be very tiring! Come on happiness, where did you go? I know you are around here somewhere!
The thing is this, happiness is NOT a thing! A good job can’t GIVE it to us, our new clothes can’t GIVE it to us, and our favourite car can’t GIVE it to us. How many times have you had a car turn around to you and say, "There you go there’s a box of happiness, it’s for you!"
Several years ago I was sitting on a beach in Hawaii, where I was living, watching the sun set on the Pacific Ocean and I was NOT happy! I was thinking, if I could just have this, be there, do that, THEN I will be happy! Then the shock of the contrast hit me. Well this is paradise, if I’m not happy here, where?! So I thought back and remembered that a few months before I wasn’t happy thinking, if I could just get that job in Hawaii, live there, go to the beach, paradise, THEN I’ll be happy! And I went back, and back. Same pattern. What if it’s not that ‘out there’ that makes me happy? Maybe it’s what I am bringing to the party! Maybe it’s not a THING I can GET from out there?
So what is it if it’s not a thing that we can get? It’s a state of being. You are not having happy, you’re not doing happy, you’re BEING happy. Starts to sound pretty elusive at this point, right?! Yes and no. The good news is that happiness is our natural state. Why? Because we are happy when we are being ourselves. Happiness is like the sun behind the clouds. It is always there. It’s just that what we think and do has us being some thing other than happy, like anxious, stressed, worried, bored, and doubtful. You are always happy, you are just not aware of it because you are paying attention to something else!
So, how do we experience our happiness? This state of being our true selves. Well here are some pointers.
You can only be happy now!
If you notice yourself for one day you will see that in the majority of moments you want something else other than what is happening now – we are UNHAPPY WITH NOW! We think that, if it was like this, if he didn’t do that, if I had this, then it would be better. When we set goals or think about what we want in life it is always, I will be happy when I have this, do that, sort this situation out in the FUTURE. But tomorrow never comes. And the cycle continues. You can only be happy now!
The very thought that happiness is ‘over there’ means that it’s ‘not here’ and that becomes your experience. Your mind is like a Xerox machine, it simply copies your thoughts that generate your experience. So, what to do? Know that happiness is a NOW experience. You can only experience your being happy now. And if you keep waiting for it, it will wait. Accept your circumstance now and be happy.
Focus on what you want
Many times what stops us from being happy now is that we are being concerned, anxious, even fearful of the future – we are UNHAPPY WITH THE FUTURE! This can be the next 15 minutes, hour, day, or week. So what are we doing? Simple, we are focussing on what we don’t want to happen. Thinking about all the things, that could happen, that you don’t want and not being happy about them! Stop doing that to yourself! It doesn’t feel good!
So it’s simple. When you catch yourself worrying about the future, notice that you are thinking about what you don’t want, and THINK AGAIN! Best not hold on too tight though. I suggest you…
Let go & flow!
In our desire to reduce ‘bad situations’ and increase ‘good situations’, we continuously monitor and control with our minds. I have to do this, sort that out, make sure this happens, and on and on. This creates stress. We are still thinking that we can only be happy when xyz happens and worrying that if we don’t control it, it won't happen.
What to do? Realise that your being happy is nothing to do with what ‘happens’ and be happy NOW. Decide what you want then let it go. Trust in yourself, and let the results flow.
A technique to make all this possible
This technique is so simple that it may be dismissed. But try it for yourself and you will see. It’s simple, but it may not be easy… to begin with anyway, because it is the opposite of what you are doing now, but like anything it gets easier with practise and becomes habitual. AND it will change your life. Ready?
WATCH! That’s it. Watch, observe, listen... whatever you want to call it. Observe your thoughts, feelings, and things that are happening. No need to judge, analyse or get involved. Simply watch! You may have thoughts come up about what you are doing as you are doing this but just watch them go by aswell! It’s the passing parade. No need to get involved. They are merely ‘suggestions’ for you to consider, or not.
What happens? You begin to realise that everything is just a thought, and you can choose to take it on and get involved, or not. You begin to connect to more of your experience, rather than being distracted. You feel free, calm, centred, stronger, with peace of mind… sounds like being happy!
The secret
So what do you discover? There are no ‘bad situations’ or ‘good situations’! Only that which you think they are. The meaning you put on them. Like ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’. You create your own good and bad by your thoughts about things. So, you have the power to let that go… And BE HAPPY NOW!
tips for today:Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
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